Happy Valentine's Day!

In anticipation of my new Comedy Web Series, ANALOG GIRLS (co-produced by Kelly Jean Brown), coming soon...

Here’s a fun little recollection of my most memorable Valentine’s Days ever. True stories, simplified for clarity. Enjoy!

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2005

I pine over the Valentine my crush gave me.

Granted, everyone is required to give each classmate an identical card (for inclusivity sake - haha, private school!). But I swear he intentionally signed his name with super neat handwriting on just this one.

l inhale all 28 pieces of candy in the 10 minutes I spend contemplating what to say to him.

I walk up and vomit directly on his desk.

 

2008

We exchange flirty AIMs about our date. Its official: we’re going to make out at the movies tonight.

I heard he's already kissed another girl before... so he must be a pro. I’m kind of jealous of whoever she is but he’s mine now so like, whatever.

He drools in my mouth and licks the entire bottom half of my face.

So this is what making out is? Dear god, I hate it. Very overrated activity. 0/10. Would not recommend. 

 

2012

I finally spot my boyfriend and run up to him excitedly; “there you are! I have something for you!”

“Save it for later.”

“why?”

“Let’s exchange gifts when I take you out to dinner.” 

“Ohhh… okay! Want to do lunch too though?”  

He jerks his head towards his female best friend, who l failed to notice standing a few feet behind him in the busy hall. “I promised her I’d drive her somewhere.” 

Aw, she must be helping him plan a surprise for me! CUTE! “Okay, see you later!”

The Macaroni Grill was pleasant that night until I saw his texts to her:

“I wish it was you here instead”.

 

2013 

He’s the best straight guy friend I’ve made so far at University.

I half-jokingly ask him to “Be My Valentine”.

He’s happy to accept.

“Takeout and a movie?” Something we do often, anyway.

Perks of Being A Wallflower plays as we slurp Lo Mein.

He wipes a tear from my eye. l laugh, embarrassed. He leans in to kiss me.

“Uh wait... no.” I awkwardly dodge him.

“What? Why would you ask me to ‘be your Valentine’ if you didn’t want to hook up?”

By the credits, I’m alone with my leftover stir fry noodles.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.  

 

2014

This "singles" party is fun... but we’re already maybe eight shots deep, totally exchanging you-know-what looks.

Our frenzied twist of bodies stumbles into his room.

The lacrosse stick leaning against a wall tips over and knocks down a picture frame.

Before he has a chance to say “leave it”, I see the photo of him, with his arms around a girl.

And I know her.

“Oh my god, are you dating *whatshername*?”

He slumps backwards onto his bed. Without making eye contact, he sighs “you should go."

I slam the door behind me.

My dorm is on the opposite side of campus... shit.

I steal his bike.

 

2015

She insists on paying for our four-course Italian dinner. l’m full and I’m impressed.

Soon, the server chases us out of the restaurant. “Hey! Did l do something wrong? I’m just trying to figure out why you didn’t tip.”

My mouth hangs open. 

She turns up her nose and says “excuse me? l don’t have to” before strutting away.

l apologize profusely and give him all the cash in my wallet. 

 

2017

I wake up to my boyfriend watching pay-per-view porn right next to me in the king sized boutique hotel bed.

The TV is linked to my credit card, genius. 

So you’re welcome, l guess.

 

2018 

A coworker leaves chocolates on every desk. CUTE. 

l eat the entirety of my heart-shaped box.

And then I spend 3 hours at my usually-crowded-but-currently-empty gym.

Best Valentine’s Day ever.

 

 

If you like embarrassing stories like these, you'll love ANALOG GIRLS... Coming soon to a YouTube near you. 

 

 

© 2017 JULIET FESSEL ALL RIGHTS RESERVED